Reborn

“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” – Buddha

It’s been over a year since my last blog post.

I’ve written that sentence a few too many times. My first inclination is to say that I had no time last year – dental school is not a joke! But when I dig deeper, I know it’s because I have a fear of being judged. I’m afraid that the published words I write will be scrutinized by an individual who dislikes me, who will take every opportunity to dissect my sentences and laugh or roll their eyes. But then I also remember that no matter what we do in life, there will likely always be someone who will judge us. It is more admirable to see someone have the courage to do what makes them happy than someone who shrinks away in fear. So, what the hell! I can always delete ;)

This blog post serves as a public declaration of my efforts to change my life in a positive manner. I’ve always strived to better myself in anyway possible, but this time, I feel a soul-shaking awakening and a full-hearted motivation to do so. I came to a realization this summer that I really lost myself over the past few years. My struggle to get into dental school and having to live at home with a mediocre job as I witnessed my friends building their lives and glamorously traveling the world took a toll on my self-esteem. I had always been a great student and graduated 3rd in my class in high school. Personal issues in college left me with test anxiety and a demolished GPA. This was far from the future I envisioned for myself. Luckily my future wasn’t ruined because a few years later I got accepted! As wonderful as this was, I quickly learned that dental school would provide challenges of its own.

I knew dental school would be one of the most difficult journeys I’d ever embark, but I struggled a lot more than I had anticipated. Looking back, I realize that this was the very first time I was truly alone. I lived at home up until college. In college, I lived with one of my best friends and eventually my boyfriend. Dental school was the first time I lived alone. I was also far away from my family, my boyfriend, and most of my friends. One of my childhood best friends lives in the same city, but her job as a school music teacher and my hectic schedule prevented us from seeing each other. I knew only a handful of people attending dental school, but they were upperclassmen so I didn’t seem them much either. I struggled academically and socially. I had trouble getting along with a few classmates. I became negative and jaded and lost faith in people. I was once a social butterfly who only sought the best in people, and suddenly I had nothing to say. I thought I was being authentic and realistic, but I was really being negative and withdrawn. I started viewing the negative people as the ONLY people in my life, and I forgot about all the people who truly love and care about me.

This past summer I had an epiphany about the changes I’ve experienced and the bad habits I was building, and it resulted from just being with the same people who have always been there for me. Being with my family was one of the best feelings in the world, spending time with my boyfriend was priceless, and simple chats with old friends brought comfort I hadn’t felt in a long time. It wasn’t that they had changed, but my value and appreciation for the people I loved exponentially increased. How could I forget that regardless of a few bad eggs, there are tons of folks in my life whose love makes life so worthwhile?

On another hand, I also realized that the problem with the people I didn’t get along with wasn’t entirely due to them, it in part had to do with ME. I’ve slowly become a person who is not as fun or personable as I used to be. I judged more and expected more. But these days I ask myself, “are you the type of person you want to meet?” and “are you making quality connections with the people around you?” Some may see this as being fake, but I see it more as reminders to be a little happier in the way I speak and more loving in the way I act.

I don’t want to keep laying out all of my issues, so I’m going to list my current goals:

• Be positive. Use the positivity to drive out all negative thoughts, because they do nothing for me. Plus, life is short y’all! I ain’t got time for that!
• Bring love into all aspects in my life. Love is never the wrong choice. My name means ‘love’ after all, that in itself should be a daily reminder!
• Take people for face value. For example, if someone tells me that they don’t like to gossip and don’t want to do it anymore and the next day continues to gossip about another individual, I won’t automatically point fingers and say they are not genuine. If someone says they like me but does not act that way, I still won’t discount it. Because no one is perfect. What they tell me are goals they aspire to achieve, and they are working on getting there. They may slip up here and there but still have the intention to do better, and that’s what counts.
• Doubt less. Hearing gossip and making assumptions are toxic for our relationships. Most of the time gossip is one-sided, and assumptions often have no basis.
  • “There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt./Doubt separates people./It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations./It is a thorn that irritates and hurts;/It is a sword that kills.” – Heart of a Buddha
• Let go of expectations. What we do for others should be genuine without an expectation of reciprocity. If it comes from the heart, it shouldn’t be needed. In the end, having too many expectations is just unfair for the other person.
• Love me more. I am the honestly the worst at self-love. Self-love breeds confidence, and a confident woman is the type of person I want to meet.
• Serve others. In serving others, I serve myself.

Circling back to my opening quote, it is never too late to be the person you want to be. Too often, we choose not to change our old habits because we think we can’t, or there’s no point, or “everyone already knows me this way,” but really nothing is stopping you from changing but yourself. Every day is a new day to be born again, and you have the power. Tomorrow I will be born again, and I will be better.